‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
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I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)