Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
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Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave