I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
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Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
🤣🤣🤣
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder