The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
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[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
The legends speak of a third Duran…
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies