Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
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The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don鈥檛 I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I鈥檓 home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
[diner]
Waitress: What鈥檒l it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I see Netflix changed The Punisher鈥檚 origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days馃槵馃槀
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Guy 1: guess I shouldn鈥檛 get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it鈥檚 shark week
Guy 1: that鈥檚鈥hat鈥檚 not what shark week is
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
satan: not today, microsoft teams