One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
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My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.