The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
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surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot