Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
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Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.