Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
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Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.