If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
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[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
*puts cutlery down*
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
i choose….tongue