Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
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Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
wut hotdog?
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Kidney stones? Hard pass
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.