[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
You Might Also Like
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.