Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
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[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.