if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
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Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
If you are reading this then you are reading this
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.