Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
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Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Every house has this drawer
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
blocked.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now