Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
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poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
The Birdles
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???