I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
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The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.