*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
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[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Dammit Chief not again
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat