[montage of me giving-up]
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I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.