me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
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Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Seek kebab; not attention
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids