Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
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People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
twitter is a journey
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
#Caturday
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.