Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
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The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.