[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
You Might Also Like
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
three things we don’t talk about
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]