Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you