[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
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Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.