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America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast