Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
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My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog