The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
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There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*