Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
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Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
*aggressively waits in line*
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.