It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
You Might Also Like
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.