Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
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Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.