My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
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When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
respect
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
True.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.