Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!