8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait