I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
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Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.