“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
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Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?