Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
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Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
my one true gender
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.