doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
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Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.