Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
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When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app