I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
You Might Also Like
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband: