me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
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For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
“what that mouth do?” complain
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
My blood type is coffee.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.