There are no pants in heaven.
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My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I love it all
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.