My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
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i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok