“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
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Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
barbara was highly relatable
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away