WHY?!
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explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.