I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
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My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My flabber has been gasted.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.