Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
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pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
goldfish mafia
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.