bought wrong eggs
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It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…