Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
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Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
the chicken was already gone when I got here
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Canada has crack?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..