[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
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Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.